MARK  TWAIN'S 


(BURLESQUE) 


AUTOBIOGRAPHY 


FIRST  ROMANCE, 


NEW  YORK: 
SHELDON     &    COMPANY, 

677    BROADWAY, 
Under  The  Grand   Central   Hotel. 


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A-? 


M  A  / 


1b  Z  I') 
Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1871,  oy 

SHELDON    &    CO., 
In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Consress,  at  Washington. 


Electrotyped  by  SMITH  &  McDouGAL,  82  Beekman  Street. 


11 


-_-fcm.:i--UT"J 


BURLESQUE 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY, 


iS2J 3 


TWO  or  three    persons    having   at  differ 
ent    times    intimated    that    if    I    would 
write  an  autobiography  they  would  read 
it  when  they  got  leisure,  I  yield  at  last  to  this 
frenzied    public    demand,    and    herewith    tender 
my   history  : 

Ours  is  a  noble  old  house,  and  stretches  a 
long  way  back  into  antiquity.  The  earliest  an 
cestor  the  T wains  have  any  record  of  was  a 
friend  of  the  family  by  the  name  of  Higgins. 
This  was  in  the  eleventh  century,  when  our 
people  were  living  in  Aberdeen,  county  of 
Cork,  England.  Why  it  is  that  our  long  line 
has  ever  since  borne  the  maternal  name  (except 
when  one  of  them  now  and  then  took  a  playful 
refuge  in  an  alias  to  avert  foolishness),  instead 
of  Higgins,  is  a  mystery  which  none  of  us  has 


ever  felt  much  desire  to  stir.  It  is  a  kind  of 
vague,  pretty  romance,  and  we  leave  it  alone. 
AlLthe  old  families  do  that  way. 

lArthour  Twain  was  a  man  of  considerable 
note — a  solicitor  on  the  highway  in  William 
Rufus'  time.  At  about  the  age  of  thirty  he 
went  to  one  of  those  fine  old  English  places  of 
resort  called  Newgate,  to  see  about  something, 
and  never  returned  again.  While  there  he  died 
suddenly. 

Augustus  Twain  seems  to  have  made  some 
thing  of  a  stir  about  the  year  1160.  He  was 
as  full  of  fun  as  he  could  be,  and  used  to  take 
his  old  sabre  and  sharpen  it  up,  and  get  in  a 
convenient  place  on  a  dark  night,  and  stick  it 
through  people  as  they  went  by,  to  see  them 
jump.  He  was  a  born  humorist.  But  he  got 
to  going  too  far  with  it ;  and  the  first  time  he 
was  found  stripping  one  of  these  parties,  the 
authorities  removed  one  end  of  him,  and  put  it 
up  on  a  nice  high  place  on  Temple  Bar,  where 
it  could  contemplate  the  people  and  have  a 
good  time.  He  never  liked  any  situation  so 
much  or  stuck  to  it  so  long. 

Then    for    the    next    two    hundred    years    the 


TIjE  IJOUSE  TIJAT  JACK  BUILT 


JA  CK 


6 


family  tree  shows  a  succession  of  soldiers — 
noble,  high-spirited  fellows,  who  always  went 
into  battle  singing,  right  behind  the  army,  and 
always  went  out  a- whooping,  right  ahead  of  it. 


This  is  a  scathing  rebuke  to  old  xiead  Frois- 
sart's  poor  witticism  that' \our  family  tree  never 
had  but  one  limb  to  it,  and  that  that  one  stuck 
out  at  right  angles,  and  bore  fruit  winter  and 
summer. 

Early  in  the  fifteenth  century  we  have  Beau 
Twain,  called  u  the  Scholar."  He  wrote  a  beau 
tiful,  beautiful  hand.  And  he  could  imitate  any 
body's  hand  so  closely  that  it  was  enough  to  make 
a  person  laugh  his  head  off  to  see  it.  He  had  in- 


finite  sport  with  his  talent.  But  by  and  by  he 
took  a  contract  to  break  stone  for  a  road,  and  the 
roughness  of  the  work  spoiled  his  hand.  Still, 
he  enjoyed  life  all  the  time  he  was  in  the  stone 
business,  which,  with  inconsiderable  intervals, 
was  some  forty-two  years.  In  fact,  he  died  in 
harness.  During  all  those  long  years  he  gave 
such  satisfaction  that  he  never  was  through 
with  one  contract  a  week  till  government  gave 
him  another.  He  was  a  perfect  pet.  And  he 
was  always  a  favorite  with  his  fellow-artists, 
arid  was  a  conspicuous  member  of  their  benev 
olent  secret  society,  called  the  Chain  Gang. 
He  always  wore  his  hair  short,  had  a  prefer 
ence  for  striped  clothes,  and  died  lamented  by 
the  government.  He  was  a  sore  loss  to  his 

country.     For  he  was  so  regular.  

Some  years  later  we  have  the  illustrious  John 
Morgan  Twain.  He  came  over  to  this  country 
with  Columbus  in  1492,  as  a  passenger.  He 
appears  to  have  been  of  a  crusty,  uncomfort 
able  disposition.  He  complained  of  the  food  all 
the  way  over,  and  was  always  threatening  to  go 
ashore  unless  there  was  a  change.  He  wanted 
fresh  shad.  Hardly  a  day  passed  over  his  head 


that  he  did  not  go  idling  about  the  ship  with 
his  nose  in  the  air,  sneering  about  the  com 
mander,  and  saying  he  did  not  believe  Colum 
bus  knew  where  he  was  going  to  or  had  ever 
been  there  before.  The  memorable  cry  of 
"Land  ho!''  thrilled  every  heart  in  the  ship 
but  his.  He  gazed  a  while  through  a  piece  of 
smoked  glass  at  the  penciled  line  lying  on  the 
distant  water,  and^then  said :  "  Land  be  hanged, 
—it 's  a  raft !  " 

When  this  questionable  passenger  came  on 
board  the  ship,  he  brought  nothing  with  him 
but  ,an  old  newspaper  containing  a  handker 
chief  marked  "  B.  G.,"  one  cotton  sock  marked 
"  L.  W.  C."  one  woollen  one  marked  "  D.  F." 
and  a  night-shirt  marked  "  O.  M.  R."  And  yet 
during  the  voyage  he  worried  more  about  his 
"  trunk,"  and  gave  himself  more  airs  about  it, 
than  all  the  rest  of  the  passengers  put  together. 
If  the  ship  was  "  down  by  the  head,"  and  would 
not  steer,  he  would  go  and  move  his  "trunk" 
further  aft,  and  then  watch  the  effect.  If  the 
ship  was  "  by  the  stern,"  he  would  suggest  to 
Columbus  to  detail  some  men  to  "  shift  that 
baggage."  In  storms  he  had  to  be  gagged,  be- 


2 


This  is  the  House  that  Jack  built. 


IO 


cause  his  waitings  about  his  "  trunk "  made  it 
impossible  for  the  men  to  hear  the  orders. 
The  man  does  not  appear  to  have  been  openly 
charged  with  any  gravely  unbecoming  thing, 
but  it  is  noted  in  the  ship's  log  as  a  "  curious 
circumstance "  that  albeit  he  brought  his  bag 
gage  on  board  the  ship  in  a  newspaper,  he  took 
it  ashore  in  four  trunks,  a  queensware  crate,  and 
a  couple  of  champagne  baskets.  But  when  he 
came  back  insinuating  in  an  insolent,  swagger 
ing  way,  that  some  of  his  things  were  missing, 
and  was  going  to  search  the  other  passengers' 
baggage,  it  was  too  much,  and  they  threw  him 
overboard.  They  watched  long  and  woncler- 
ingly  for  him  to  come  up,  but  not  even  a  bub 
ble  rose  on  the  quietly  ebbing  tide.  But  while 
every  one  was  most  absorbed  in  gazing  over  the 
side,  and  the  interest  was  momentarily  increas 
ing,  it  was  observed  with  consternation  that  the 
vessel  was  adrift  and  the  anchor  cable  hanging 
limp  from  the  bow.  Then  in  the  ship's  dimmed 
and  ancient  log  we  find  this  quaint  note : 

"  In  time  it  was  discouvered  y*  ye  troblcsome  passenger 
hadde  gonne  downe  and  got  ye  anchor,  and  toke  ye  same  and 
solde  it  to  yc  dam  sauvages  from  ye  interior,  saying  y*  he  hadde 
founde  it,  y*  sonne  of  a  ghun  ! " 


11 

Yet  this  ancestor  had  good  and  noble  in 
stincts,  and  it  is  with  pride  that  we  call  to 
mind  the  fact  that  he  was  the  first  white  per 
son  who  ever  interested  himself  in  the  work  of 
elevating  and  civilizing  our  Indians.  He  built 
a  commodious  jail  and  put  up  a  galloAVS,  and  to 
his  dying  day  he  claimed  with  satisfaction  that 
he  had  had  a  more  restraining  and  elevating 
influence  on  the  Indians  than  any  other  re 
former  that  ever  labored  among  them.  .At  this 
point  the  chronicle  becomes  less  frank  and 
chatty,  and  closes  abruptly  by  saying  that  the 
old  voyager  went  to  see  his  gallows  perform 
on  the  first  white  man  ever  hanged  in  America, 
and  while  there  received  injuries  which  termi 
nated  in  his  death. 

The  great  grandson  of  the  "  Reformer  "  flour 
ished  in  sixteen  hundred  and  something,  and 
was  known  in  our  annals  as  "  the  old  Admiral," 
though  in  history  he  had  other  titles.  He  was 
long  in  command  of  fleets  of  swift  vessels,  well 
armed  and  manned,  and  did  great  service  in 
hurrying  up  merchantmen."  Vessels  which  he 
followed  and  kept  his  eagle  eye  on,  always  made 
good  fair  time  across  the  ocean.  But  if  a  ship 


12 


still  loitered  in  spite  of  all  he  could  do,  his  in 
dignation  would  grow  till  he  could  contain  him 
self  no  longer — and  then  he  would  take  that 
ship  home  where  he  lived  and  keep  it  there 
carefully,  expecting  the  owners  to  come  for  it, 
but  they  never  did.  And  he  would  try  to  get 
the  idleness  and  sloth  out  of  the  sailors  of  that 
ship  by  compelling  them  to  take  invigorating 
exercise  and  a  bath.  He  called  it  "  walking  a 
plank."  All  the  pupils  liked  it.  At  any  rate, 
they  never  found  any  fault  with  it  after  trying 
it.  When  the  owners  were  late  coming  for  their 
ships,  the  Admiral  always  burned  them,  so  that 
the  insurance  money  should  not  be  lost.  At 
last  this  fine  old  tar  was  cut  down  in  the  ful 
ness  of  his  years  and  honors.  And  to 'her  dying 
day,  his  poor  heart-broken  widow  believed  that 
if  he  had  been  cut  down  fifteen^  minutes  sooner 
he  might  have  been  resuscitated^ 

Charles  Henry  Twain  lived  during  the  latter 
part  of  the  seventeenth  century,  and  was  a  zeal 
ous  and  distinguished  missionary.  He  converted 
sixteen  thousand  South  Sea  islanders,  and  taught 
them  that  a  dog-tooth  necklace  and  a  pair  of 
spectacles  was  not  enough  clothing  to  come  to 


This  is  the  Malt  that  lay  in  the 
House  that  Jack  built. 


14 

divine  service  in.  His  poor  flock  loved  him 
very,  very  dearly ;  and  when  his  funeral  was 
over,  they  got  up  in  a  body  (and  came  out  of 
the  restaurant)  with  tears  in  their  eyes,  and 
saying,  one  to  another,  that  he  was  a  good 
tender  missionary,  and  the}"  wished  they  had 
some  more  ot  him. 

P A H-GO-TO- W AH-W AH-P U  K K ETEK E E W I S  ( M igh ty- 

Hunter-with-a-Hog-Eye)  TWAIN  adorned  the 
rniddle  of  the  eighteenth  century,  and  aided 
Gen.  Brad'dock  with  all  his  heart  to  resist  the 
oppressor  Washington.  It  was  this  ancestor 
who  fired  seventeen  times  at  our  Washington 
from  behind  a  tree,  j  So  far  the  beautiful  ro 
mantic  narrative  in  the  moral  story-books  is  cor 
rect  ;  but  when  that  narrative  goes  on  to  say 
that  at  the  seventeenth  round  the  awe-stricken 
savage  said  solemnly  that  that  man  was  being 
reserved  by  the  Great  Spirit  for  some  mighty 
mission,  and  he  dared  not  lift  his  sacrilegious 
rifle  against  him  again,  the  narrative  seriously 
impairs  the  integrity  of  history.  What  he  did 
say  was : 

"  It  ain't  no  (hie !)  no  use.     'At  man's  so  drunk 
he  can't  stan'  still  long  enough  for  a  man  to  hit 


This  is  the  Rat  that  ate  the  Malt  that  lay  in  the 
House  that  Jack  built. 


i6 

him.     I    (hie !)    /   can't  'ford    to    fool    away  any 
more  am'nition  on  him  !  " 

That  was  why  he  stopped  at  the  seventeenth 
round,  and  it  was  a  good  plain  matter-of-fact 
reason,  too,  and  one  that  easily  commend?  itself 
to  us  by  the  eloquent,  persuasive  flavor  of  prob 
ability  there  is  about  it. 

I  always  enjoyed  the  story-book  narrative,  but 
I  felt  a  marring  misgiving  that  every  Indian  at 
Braddock's  Defeat  who  fired  at  a  soldier  a 
couple  of  times  (two  easily  grows  to  seventeen 
in  a  century),  and  missed  him,  jumped  to  the 
conclusion  that  the  Great  Spirit  was  reserving 
that  soldier  for  some  grand  mission ;  and  so  I 
somehow  feared  that  the  only  reason  Avhy 
Washington's  case  is  remembered  and  the 
others  forgotten  is,  that  in  his  the  prophecy 
came  true,  and  in  that  of  the  others  it  didn't. 
There  are  not  books  enough  on  earth  to  con 
tain  the  record  of  the  prophecies  Indians  and 
other  unauthorized  parties  have  made ;  but  one 
may  carry  in  his  overcoat  pockets  the  record 
j^f  all  the  prophecies  that  have  been  fulfilled^  \ 
I  will  remark  here,  in  passing,  that  certain 
ancestors  of  mine  are  so  thoroughly  well  known 


f 

in  history  by  their  aliases,  that  I  have  not  felt 
it  to  be  worth  while  to  dwell  upon  them,  or 
even  mention  them  in  the  order  of  their  birth. 
Among  these  may  be  mentioned  RICHARD 
BRINSLEY  TWAIN,  alias  Guy  Fawkes ;  JOHN 
WENTWORTH  TWAIN,  alias  Sixteen-String  Jack; 
WILLIAM  HOGARTH  TWAIN,  alias  Jack  Sheppard ; 
ANANIAS  TWAIN,  alias  Baron  Munchausen ;  JOHN 
GEORGE  TWAIN,  alias  Capt.  Kydd ;  and  then 
there  are  George  Francis  Train,  Tom  Pepper, 
Nebuchadnezzar  and  Baalam's  Ass — they  all 
belong  to  our  family,  but  to  a  branch  of  it 
somewhat  distantly  removed  from  the  honorable 
direct  line — in  fact,  a  collateral  branch,  whose 
members  chiefly  differ  from  the  ancient  stock 
in  that,  in  order  to  acquire  the  notoriety  we 
have  always  yearned  and  hungered  for,  they 
have  got  into  a  low  way  of  going  to  jail  instead 
of  getting  hanged. 

It  is  not  well,  when  writing  an  autobiography, 
to  follow  your  ancestry  down  too  close  to  your 
own  time — it  is  safest  to  speak  only  vaguely  of 
your  great-grandfather,  and  then  skip  from  there 
to  yourself,  which  I  now  do. 

I  was  born  without  teeth — and  there  Richard 


18 


III  had  the  advantage  of  me ;  but  I  was  born 
without  a  humpback,  likewise,  and  there  I  had 
the  advantage  of  him.  My  parents  were  neither 
very  poor  nor  conspicuously  honest. 

But  now  a  thought  occurs  to  me.  My  own 
history  would  really  seem  so  tame  contrasted 
with  that  of  my  ancestors,  that  it  is  simply  wis 
dom  to  leave  it  unwritten  until  I  am  hanged. 
If  some  other  biographies  I  have  read  had 
stopped  with  the  ancestry  until  a  like  event 
occurred,  it  would  have  been  'a  felicitous  thing 
for  the  reading  public.  How  does  it  strike 
you  ? 


This  is  the  Cat  that  caught  the  rat  that  ate  the  malt 
that  lay  in  the  House  that  Jack  built. 


AWFUL,  TERRIBLE 


MEDIEVAL  ROMANCE. 


CHAPTER    I. 

THE     SECRET     REVEALED. 

TT  was  night.  Stillness  reigned  in  the 
grand  old  feudal  castle  of  Klugenstein. 
The  year  1222  was  drawing  to  a  close. 
Far  away  up  in  the  tallest  of  the  castle's 
towers  a  single  light  glimmered.  A  secret 
council  was  being  held  there.  The  stern  old 
lord  of  Klugenstein  sat  in  a  chair  of  state 
meditating.  Presently  he  said,  with  a  tender 
accent : 

"  My  daughter ! " 

A  young  man  of  noble  presence,  clad  from 
head  to  heel  in  knightly  mail,  answered  : 

11  Speak,  father  !  " 

"  My  daughter,  the  time  is  come  for  the  re 
vealing  of  the  mystery  that  hath  puzzled  all 


24 

your  young  life.  Know,  then,  that  it  had  its 
birth  in  the  matters  which  I  shall  now  un 
fold.  My  brother  Ulrich  is  the  great  Duke 
of  Brandenburgh.  Our  father,  on  his  death 
bed,  decreed  that  if  no  son  were  born  to 
Ulrich,  the  succession  should  pass  to  my  house, 
provided  a  son  were  born  to  me.  And  further, 
in  case  no  son  were  born  to  either,  but  only 
daughters,  then  the  succession  should  pass  to 
Ulrich's  daughter,  if  she  proved  stainless ;  if 
she  did  .  not,  my  daughter  should  succeed, 
if  she  retained  a  blameless  name.  And  so  I, 
and  my  old  wife  here,  prayed  fervently  for 
the  good  boon  of  a  son,  but  the  prayer  was 
vain.  You  were  born  to  us.  I  was  in  de 
spair.  I  saw  the  mighty  prize  slipping  from 
my  grasp,  the  splendid  dream  vanishing  away. 
And  I  had  been  so  hopeful!  Five  years  had 
Ulrich  lived  in  wedlock,  and  yet  his  wife  had 
borne  no  heir  of  either  sex. 

"  '  But  hold,'  I  said,  '  all  is  not  lost.'  A 
saving  scheme  had  shot  athwart  my  brain. 
You  were  born  at  midnight.  Only  the  leech, 
the  nurse,  and  six  waiting-women  knew  your 
sex.  I  hanged  them  every  one  before  an  hour 


This  is  the  Dog  that  "worried"  the  cat  that  caught 
the  rat  that  ate  the  malt  that  lay  in  the  House  that 
Jack  built. 


26 


had  sped.  Next  morning  all  the  barony  went 
mad  with  rejoicing  over  the  proclamation  that 
a  son  was  born  to  Klugenstein,  an  heir  to 
mighty  Brandenburgh !  And  well  the  secret 
has  been  kept.  Your  mother's  own  sister  nursed 
your  infancy,  and  from  that  time  forward  we 
feared  nothing. 

"  When  you  were  ten  years  old,  a  daughter 
was  born  to  Ulrich.  We  grieved,  but  hoped 
for  good  results  from  measles,  or  physicians,  or 
other  natural  enemies  of  infancy,  but  were  al 
ways  disappointed.  She  lived,  she  throve— 
Heaven's  malison  upon  her !  But  it  is  nothing. 
We  are  safe.  For,  Ha-ha !  have  we  not  a  son  ? 
And  is  not  our  son  the  future  Duke?  Our 
well-beloved  Conrad,  is  it  not  so? — for,  woman 
of  eight-and-twenty  years  as  you  are,  my  child, 
none  other  name  than  that  hath  ever  fallen  to 
you  ! 

"Now  it  hath  come  to  pass  that  age  hath 
laid  its  hand  upon  my  brother,  and  he  waxes 
feeble.  The  cares  of  state  do  tax  him  sore. 
Therefore  he  wills  that  you  shall  come  to  him 
and  be  already  Duke  in  act,  though  not  yet  in 


name.      Your  servitors  are  ready— you  journey 
forth  to-night. 

"  Now  listen  Avell.  Remember  every  word  I 
say.  There  is  a  law  as  old  as  Germany  that  if 
any  woman  sit  for  a  single  instant  in  tlie  great 
ducal  chair  before  she  hath  been  absolutely 
crowned  in  presence  of  the  people,  SHE  SHALL 
DIE  !  So  heed  my  words.  Pretend  humility. 
Pronounce  your  judgments  from  the  Premier's 
chair,  which  stands  at  the  foot  of  the  throne. 
Do  this  until  you  are  croAvned  and  safe.  It  is 
not  likely  that  your  sex  will  ever  be  discov 
ered  ;  but  still  it  is  the  part  of  wisdom  to  make 
all  things,  as  safe  as  may  be  in  this  treacherous 
earthly  life." 

"  Oh,  my  father,  is  it  for  this  my  life  hath 
been  a  lie !  Was  it  that  I  might  cheat  my  un 
offending  cousin  of  her  rights?  Spare  me, 
father,  spare  your  child  !  " 

"  What,  huzzy !  Is  this  my  reward  for  the 
august  fortune  my  brain  has  wrought  for  thee  ? 
By  the  bones  of  my  father,  this  puling  sen 
timent  of  thine  but  ill  accords  with  my  humor. 


28 


Betake  thee  to   the    Duke,  instantly !      And    be 
ware  how  thou  meddlest  with  my  purpose ! " 

Let  this  suffice,  of  the  conversation.  It  is 
enough  for  us  to  know  that  the  prayers,  the 
entreaties  and  the  tears  of  the  gentle-naturcd 
girl  availed  nothing.  They  nor  anything  could 
move  the  stout  old  lord  of  Klugenstein.  And 
so,  at  last,  with  a  heavy  heart,  the  daughter 
saw  the  castle  gates  close  behind  her,  and 
found  herself  riding  away  in  the  darkness  sur 
rounded  by  a  knightly  array  of  armed  vassals 
and  a  brave  following  of  servants. 

The  old  baron  sat  silent  for  many  minutes 
after  his  daughter's  departure,  and  then  he 
turned  to  his  sad  wife  and  said : 

"  Dame,  our  matters  seem  speeding  fairly.  It 
is  full  three  months  since  I  sent  the  shrewd 
and  handsome  Count  Detzin  on  his  devil 
ish  mission  to  my  brother's  daughter  Con 
stance.  If  he  fail,  we  are  not  wholly  safe ; 
but  if  he  do  succeed,  no  power  can  bar 
our  girl  from  being  Duchess  e'en  though 
ill  fortune  should  decree  she  never  should  be 
Duke ! " 


This  is  the  Cow  with  the  crumpled  horn  that  tossed 
the  dog  that  worried  the  cat  that  caught  the  rat  that  ate 
the  malt  that  lay  in  the  House  that  Jack  built. 

NOTE.— The  brand  "  T  G.  P.'  may  possibly  refer  to  The  Great  Public  or  The 
Great  People,  or  something  like  that. 


"  My  heart  is  full  of  bodings,  yet  all  may  still 
be  well." 

"  Tush,  woman !  Leave  the  owls  to  croak. 
To  bed  with  ye,  and  dream  of  Brandenburgh 
and  grandeur ! " 


CHAPTER    II. 

F  E  S  T  I  V  I  T  V     A  N  I)      T  EARS. 

SIX  days  after  the  occurrences  related  in 
the  above  chapter,  the  brilliant  capital 
of  the  Duchy  of  Brandenburgh  was  re 
splendent  with  military  pageantry,  and  noisy 
with  the  rejoicings  of  loyal,  multitudes  ;  for  Con 
rad,  the  young  heir  to  the  crown,  was  come. 
The  old  Duke's  heart  was  full  of  happiness,  for 
Conrad's  handsome  person  and  graceful  bearing 
had  won  his  love  at  once.  The  great  halls  of 
the  palace  were  thronged  with  nobles,  who  wel 
come^  Conrad  bravely ;  and  so  bright  and 
happy  did  all  things  seem,  that  he  felt  his 
fears  and  sorrows  passing  away  and  giving 
place  to  a  comforting  contentment. 

But  in  a  remote    apartment    of  the    palace    a 
scene  of  a  different  nature  was  transpiring.     By 


a  window  stood  the  Duke's  only  child,  the  Lad} 
Constance.  Her  eyes  were  red  and  swollen,  and 
full  of  tears.  She  was  alone.  Presently  she  fell 
to  weeping  anew,  and  said  aloud : 

"  The  villain  Detzin  is  gone  —  has  fled  the 
dukedom  !  I  could  not  believe  it  at  first,  but 
alas !  it  is  too  true.  And  I  loved  him  so.  I 
dared  to  love  him  though  I  knew  the  Duke  my 
father  would  never  let  me  wed  him.  I  loved 
him — but  now  I  hate  him!  With  all  my  soul 
I  hate  him !  Oh,  what  is  to  become  of  me !  I 
am  lost,  lost,  lost!  I  shall  go  mad! 


CHAPTER    III. 

THE     PLOT     THICKENS. 

A  FEW  months  drifted  by.  All  men  pub 
lished  the  praises  of  the  young  Conrad's 
government  and  extolled  the  wisdom  of 
his  judgments,  the  mercifulness  of  his  sentences, 
and  the  modesty  with  which  he  bore  himself  in 
his  great  office.  The  old  Duke  soon  gave  every 
thing  into  his  hands,  and  sat  apart  and  listened 
with  proud  satisfaction  while  his  heir  delivered 
the  decrees  of  the  crown  from  the  seat  of  the 
premier.  It  seemed  plain  that  one  so  loved  and 
praised  and  honored  of  all  men  as  Conrad  was, 
could  not  be  otherwise  than  happy.  But  strange 
ly  enough,  he  was  not.  For  he  saw  with  dis 
may  that  the  Princess  Constance  had  begun  to 
love  him!  The  love  of  the  rest  of  -  the  world 
was  happy  fortune  for  him,  but  this  was  freighted 


34 


with  danger !  And  he  saw,  moreover,  that  the 
delighted  Duke  had  discovered  his  daughter's 
passion  likewise,  and  was  already  dreaming  of 
a  marriage.  Every  day  somewhat  of  the  deep 
sadness  that  had  been  in  the  princess'  face  faded 
away;  every  day  hope  and  animation  beamed 
brighter  from  her  eye ;  and  by  and  by  even 
vagrant  smiles  visited  the  face  that  had  been  so 
troubled. 

Conrad  was  appalled.  He  bitterly  cursed  him 
self  for  having  yielded  to  the  instinct  that  had 
made  him  seek  the  companionship  of  one  of  his 
own  sex  when  he  was  new  and  a  stranger  in 
the  palace — when  he  was  sorrowful  and  yearned 
for  a  sympathy  such  as  only  women  can  give 
or  feel.  He  now  began  to  avoid  his  cousin. 
But  this  only  made  matters  worse,  for,  naturally 
enough,  the  more  he  avoided  her,  the  more  she 
cast  herself  in  his  way.  He  marvelled  at  this 
at  first;  and  next  it  startled  him.  The  girl 
haunted  him ;  she  hunted  him ;  she  happened 
upon  him  at  all  times  and  in  all  places,  in  the 
night  as  well  as  in  the  day.  She  seemed  sin 
gularly  anxious.  There  was  surely  a  mystery 
somewhere. 


This  is  the  Maiden  all  forlorn  that'milked  the  cow  with 
the  crumpled  horn  that  tossed  the  dog  that  worried  the  cat 
that  caught  the  rat  that  ate  the  malt  that  lay  in  the  House 
that  Jack  built. 


This  could  not  go  on  forever.  All  the  world 
was  talking  about  it.  The  Duke  was  beginning 
to  look  perplexed.  Poor  Conrad  was  becoming 
a  very  ghost  through  dread  and  dire  distress. 
One  day  as  he  was  emerging  from  a  private 
ante-room  attached  to  the  picture  gallery,  Con 
stance  confronted  him,  and  seizing  both  his 
hands  in  hers,  exclaimed  : 

"  Oh,  why  do  you  avoid  me  ?  What  have  I 
done — what  have  I  said,  to  lose  your  kind  opinion 
of  me — for  surely  I  had  it  once  ?  Conrad,  do 
not  despise  me,  but  pity  a  tortured  heart?  I 
cannot,  cannot  hold  the  words  unspoken  longer, 
lest  they  kill  me — I  LOVE  YOU,  CONRAD  !  There, 
despise  me  if  you  must,  but  they  would  be  ut 
tered  ! " 

Conrad  was  speechless.  Constance  hesitated 
a  moment,  and  then,  misinterpreting  his  silence, 
a  wild  gladness  flamed  in  her  eyes,  and  she  flung 
her  arms  about  his  neck  and  said : 

"  You  relent !  you  relent !  You  can  love  me — 
you  will  love  me!  Oh,  say  you  will,  my  own, 
my  worshipped  Conrad  !  " 

Conrad  groaned  aloud.  A  sickly  pallor  over 
spread  his  countenance,  and  he  trembled  like 


37 

an  aspen.  Presently,  in  desperation,  he  thrust 
the  poor  girl  from  him,  and  cried : 

"You  know  not  what  you  ask!  It  is  forever 
and  ever  impossible  !  "  And  then  he  fled  like  a 
criminal  and  left  the  princess  stupefied  with 
amazement.  A  minute  afterward  she  was  cry 
ing  and  sobbing  there,  and  Conrad  was  crying 
and  sobbing  in  his  chamber.  Both  were  in  de 
spair.  Both  saw  ruin  staring  /them  in  the  face. 

By  and  by  Constance  rose  slowly  to  her  feet 
and  moved  away,  saying: 

"  To  think  that  he  was  despising  my  love  at 
the  very  moment  that  I  thought  it  was  melting 
his  cruel  heart !  I  hate  him  !  He  spurned  me— 
did  this  man — he  spurned  me  from  him  like  a 
dog!" 


CHAPTER    IV. 

THE     AWFUL     REVELATION. 

TIME  passed  on.     A  settled  sadness  rest 
ed  once  more  upon  the  countenance  of 
the   good    Duke's    daughter.      She  and 
Conrad  were  seen  together  no  more  now.     The 
Duke  grieved  at  this.     But  as    the  weeks  wore 
away,  Conrad's    color    came  back  to  his  cheeks 
and  his  old-time  vivacity  to  his  eye,  and  he  ad 
ministered    the    government   with    a    clear    and 
steadily  ripening  wisdom. 

Presently  a  strange  whisper  began  to  be  heard 
about  the  palace.  It  grew  louder ;  it  spread 
farther.  The  gossips  of  the  city  got  hold  of  it. 
It  swept  the  dukedom.  And  this  is  what  the 
whisper  said : 

"  The  Lady  Constance  hath  given  birth  to  a 
child ! " 


This  is  the  Man  all  "tattered  and  torn"  that  loved  the 
maiden  all  forlorn  that  milked  the  cow  with  the  crumpled 
horn  that  tossed  the  dog  that  worried  the  cat  that  caught 
the  rat  that  ate  the  malt  that  lay  in  the  House  that  Jack 
built. 


40 

When  the  lord  of  Klugenstein  heard  it,  he 
swung  his  plumed  helmet  thrice  around  his  head 
and  shouted  : 

"  Long  live  Duke  Conrad ! — for  lo,  his  crown 
is  sure,  from  this  day  forward !  Detzin  has 
done  his  errand  well,  and  the  good  scoundrel 
shall  be  rewarded!" 

And  he  spread  the  tidings  far  and  wide,  and 
for  eight-and-forty  hours  no  soul  in  all  the  bar 
ony  but  did  dance  and  sing,  carouse  and  illumi 
nate,  to  celebrate  the  great  event,  and  all  at 
proud  and  happy  old  Klugenstein's  expense. 


CHAPTER    V. 


THE     FRIGHTFUL     CATASTROPHE. 


T 


HE  trial  was  at  hand.  All  the  great 
lords  and  barons  of  Brandenburgh  were 
assembled  in  the  Hall  of  Justice  in  the 
ducal  palace.  No  space  was  left  unoccupied 
where  there  was  room  for  a  spectator  to  stand 
or  sit.  Conrad,  clad  in  purple  and  ermine,  sat 
in  the  premier's  chair,  and  on  either  side  sat  the 
great  judges  of  the  realm.  The  old  Duke  had 
sternly  commanded  that  the  trial  of  his  daughter 
should  proceed,  without  favor,  and  then  had 
taken  to  his  bed  broken-hearted.  His  days  were 
numbered.  Poor  Ccfnrad  had  begged,  as  for  his 
very  life,  that  he  might  be  spared  the  misery  of 
sitting  in  judgment  upon  his  cousin's  crime,  but 
it  did  not  avail. 


42 

The  saddest  heart  in  all  that  great  assemblage 
was  in  Conrad's  breast. 

The  gladdest  was  in  his  father's.  For,  un 
known  to  his  daughter  "  Conrad,"  the  old  Baron 
Klugenstein  was  come,  and  was  among  the  crowd 
of  nobles,  triumphant  in  the  swelling  fortunes  of 
his  house. 

After  the  heralds  had  made  due  proclamation 
and  the  other  preliminaries  had  followed,  the 
venerable  Lord  Chief  Justice  said : 

"  Prisoner,  stand  forth  !  " 

The  unhappy  princess  rose  and  stood  unveiled 
before  the  vast  multitude.  The  Lord  Chief 
Justice  continued : 

"  Most  noble  lady,  before  the  great  judges  of 
this  realm  it  hath  been  charged  and  proven  that 
out  of  holy  wedlock  your  Grace  hath  given  birth 
unto  a  child,  and  by  our  ancient  law  the  pen 
alty  is  death,  excepting  in  one  sole  contingency, 
whereof  his  Grace  the  acting  Duke,  our  good 
Lord  Conrad,  will  advertise  you  in  his  solemn 
sentence  now ;  wherefore,  give  heed." 

Conrad  stretched  forth  the  reluctant  sceptre, 
and  in  the  self-same  moment  the  womanly  heart 
beneath  his  robe  yearned  pityingly  toward  the 


This  is  the  Priest  (not)  shaven  and  shorn,  that  married 
the  man  all  tattered  and  torn  unto  the  maiden  all  forlorn 
that  milked  tlit  cow  with  the  crumpled  horn  that  tossed  the 
dog  that  worried  the  cat  that  caught  the  rat  that  ate  the 
malt  that  lay  in  the  House  that  Jack  built. 


44 

doomed  prisoner,  and  the  tears  came  into  his 
eyes.  He  opened  his  lips  to  speak,  but  the 
Lord  Chief  Justice  said  quickly  : 

"  Not  there,  your  Grace,  not  there  !  It  is  not 
lawful  to  pronounce  judgment  upon  any  of  the 
ducal  line  SAVE  FROM  THE  DUCAL  THRONE  ! " 

A  shudder  went  to  the  heart  of  poor  Conrad, 
and  a  tremor  shook  the  iron  frame  of  his  old 
father  likewise.  CONRAD  HAD  NOT  BEEN  CROWN 
ED — dared  he  profane  the  throne  ?  He  hesi 
tated  and  turned  pale  with  fear.  But  it  must 
be  done.  Wondering-  eyes  were  already  upon 
him.  They  would  be  suspicious  eyes  if  he  hes 
itated  longer.  He  ascended  the  throne.  Pres 
ently  he  stretched  forth  the  sceptre  again,  and 
said : 

"  Prisoner,  in  the  name  of  our  sovereign  lord, 
Ulrich,  Duke  of  Brandenburgh,  I  proceed  to  the 
solemn  duty  that  hath  devolved  upon  me.  Give 
heed  to  my  words.  By  the  ancient  law  of  the 
land,  except  you  produce  the  partner  of  your 
guilt  and  deliver  him  up  to  the  executioner,  you 
must  surely  die.  Embrace  this  opportunity- 
save  yourself  while  }-et  you  may.  Name  the 
father  of  vour  child !  " 


A  solemn  hush  fell  upon  the  great  court — a 
silence  so  profound  that  men  could  hear  their 
own  hearts  beat.  Then  the  princess  slowly 
turned,  with  eyes  gleaming  with  hate,  and  point 
ing  her  finger  straight  at  Conrad,  said : 

"  Thou  art  the  man  !  " 

An  appalling  conviction  of  his  helpless,  hope 
less  peril  struck  a  chill  to  Conrad's  heart  like 
the  chill  of  death  itself.  What  power  on  earth 
could  save  him !  To  disprove  the  charge,  he 
must  reveal  that  he  was  a  woman;  and  for  an 
uncrowned  woman  to  sit  in  the  ducal  chair  was 
death  !  At  one  and  the  same  moment,  he  and 
his  grim  old  father  swooned  and  fell  to  the 
ground. 

[The  remainder  of  this  thrilling  and  eventful 
story  will  NOT  be  found  in  this  or  any  other 
publication,  either  now  or  at  any  future  time.] 

The  truth  is,  I  have  got  my  hero  (or  heroine) 
into  such  a  particularly  close  place,  that  I  do 
not  see  how  I  am  ever  going  to  get  him  (or 
her)  out  of  it  again — and  therefore  I  will  wash 
my  hands  of  the  whole  business,  and  leave  that 
person  to  get  out  the  best  way  that  offers — or 
else  stay  there.  I  thought  it  was  going  to  be 


:4'6' 


easy  enough  to  straighten    out    that    little    diffi 
culty,  but  it  looks  different  now. 

[If  Harper  s  Weekly  or  the  New  \vork  Tribune 
desire  to  copy  these  initial  chapters  into  the 
reading  columns  of  their  valuable  journals,  just 
as  they  do  the  opening  chapters  of  Ledger  and 
New  York  Weekly  novels,  they  are  at  liberty  to 
do  so  at  the  usual  rates,  provided  they  "  trust."] 

MARK  TWAIN. 


fled    i  toned  lately 

of    *  Conrad"*  hence    //"/>> 
I  j 

to  6 ^V '0 lo / j §v\    $n  /y     fhtff    i~h6 
a     fisil-fime,    fofihy i  tfhd    'tine   hero 
/  5    sfffe. 

Siis 


drc.    +° 


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